All flowers are better than turnips this Valentine's Day

Sadly every bit of the above is based on myth. The legends of King Arthur may have begun with a Roman general called Arturus, who probably didn't have a round table, as 'equality' wasn't a thing back then. The master of the house sat at the head of the table and woe betide anyone trying to take his place.

I can't think of any time in history when ladies were demure either, except in Victorian times when almost every medicine for 'women's problems' included opium or alcohol. Rub aching knees with a mix of soft soap and opium, says my set of medical textbooks from the 1800s. If depressed, take a glass of good sherry six times a day. A headache? Take laudanum, a mix of opium and alcohol.

Demure ladies were probably bombed out of their minds.

The 'language of flowers' is a myth, too, concocted in Victorian times. Like Dickens' description of Christmas dinner, it's come down to us as 'traditional'.

But flowers and other plants have probably been used to convey messages long before our ancestors began dallying with Neanderthals, without any need for a 'language of flowers'. If a bloke offered a pouch filled with apples to you alone, he probably fancied you. Giving a bloke a comforting meal of baked tubers when the mammoth hunt had been a bust was a pretty good way to say 'I love you'.

Julius Caesar is said to have used a rude gesture with a radish in a speech to his troops, to explain just what they should to do to their enemies, and in the days before army uniforms, wearing a red or a white flower, or a leek if you were Welsh, told everyone what side you were on. Around the middle ages, a wife who presented her husband with a dinner of cold mashed turnips was eloquently saying "not tonight, buster".

The Victorian language of flowers - or Floriography - is still passed on, though it's not much use if the person you're trying to communicate with doesn't know the language, or does, but uses a different text book: there are many versions.

You've got nothing to lose if you give it a go this Valentine's Day, except money if you have to buy the blooms.

Red roses are classic: I love you passionately. White roses are for a pure "let's just be friends" kind of love.

Lavender can mean either devotion or distrust according to the books based on Victoriana. Back in the era of Queen Elizabeth I, the scent was supposed to be an aphrodisiac. Your beloved probably doesn't know either version, so a pot of English lavender, small growing and intensely fragrant, makes an excellent Valentine's gift.

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Forget-me-nots mean exactly what the name says. Sadly, forget-me-nots easily become a weed. Even a bunch of dead forget-me-nots thrown into 'not quite compost' can spread the weeds through your garden, or the bush.

Yellow carnations mean rejection. White lilies symbolise purity. Giving a bunch of flowers held upside down indicates that the love affair had ended, as did giving a bunch of wilted blooms. Don't jump to conclusions though. They may just have sat in a hot car for an hour. Cut off the base of their stems, put them in cold water and then in the fridge, and they might possibly revive.

Dahlias are for long-lasting love. Hydrangeas stand for 'gratitude'. Orchids are difficult: they generally mean 'fertility' in the "let's have a baby" way, not "here's a bag of compost for your garden". Sunflowers always seem to have meant 'celebration' both in the Victorian books and ancient South American traditions.

So what should you give your beloved this Valentine's Day? I'd like a voucher promising a year of lawn mowing, or 20,000 'lawn thyme' plants, like King Charles has at one of his estates, plus a voucher for planting them and weeding the thyme lawn now and then.

There are several varieties of lawn thyme, all low growing, with soft stems and branches, and not twiggy like culinary thyme. I did have a tiny thyme lawn for a while, gorgeous to sit on or lie back and watch the branches, birds or stars. Sadly someone's cattle invaded. Cattle have heavy feet. That was the end of the lawn thyme.

You can't go wrong with a bunch of flowers, unless your beloved is allergic to them. Even a bunch from the supermarket is better than no blooms at all. Proteas are one of the longest lasting blooms in a vase, and just coming into season. A pot of hydrangeas will be looking lovely now, and a dwarf bougainvillea survives extreme heat on a sunny patio. A gorgeous, easily made gift is a succulent, or even chives, in an old-fashioned tea cup on a saucer, sold at St Vinnie's for low prices. Top with pebbles for extra elegance.

Do not give an expensive bonsai unless the giftee knows how to care for one. A well-tended bonsai can last a thousand years. One that isn't given exactly the correct conditions can be dead by next Thursday. Some bonsai need full sun and a sheltered spot; others tolerate 'mostly shade'.

But definitely do give flowers or a potted plant this Valentine's Day. The world needs more flowers and greenery, and any excuse will do. And if you don't feel at all loving, try that plate of cold mashed turnips.